I’ve often been accused of selfishness, egotism, hypocrisy, stealing change, encouraging prostitution, unreliability, inappropriate displays of wit, sleeplessness, liking hockey, yelling at imprudent times and targets, shoplifting fantasy novels, cheapness, locking myself out of my own bathroom, lateness, anti-Semitism, loquaciousness, prolix, verbosity, wordiness, pretention and drunkenness.
To deflect, I would like to enumerate several sins against humanity of which I, personally, am not guilty:
I Have Never…
Perpetuated an urban legend about an autistic kid stealing a penguin from the aquarium and then idly watched as you ran about town spreading the details of this tale, convinced that it was the best story you’ve ever heard. NPR Dispels Penguin Urban Legend
Devised a three-tiered system of responsibility in which you and I will first take care of a plant together, then a cat, and then have a child. Nor have I, after the plant died and the cat ran away, went ahead and had the kid anyway.
Offered my services to you as a dog walker, ignored your directions to your apartment, called you from the kitchen of your neighbor’s apartment wondering where the dog is, come into your bar later and offered a pile of unsolicited stories about your personal life, jammed a bunch of nonsense into Ennis’ ear while he was trying to draw quietly in his notebook and have dinner, then asked you to borrow money a few days later. And I never will.
Exploited the natives. Not directly.
Written this email to Here Be Dragons:
Listening to How To Build A Coal Furnace From Scratch on my plane ride and I have to tell you that even the low voice narrator was wrong about Gaudi and Jessie(sic) was just utterly retarded about him. The architect that designs everything to look like bones and "other human innards" is Antonio Calatrava...Gaudi made shit that looked like sand castles. Do some fuckin research.
Displayed a racist statuette of a monkey dressed as a stereotypical African-American servant in my home. This statuette:
Used national tragedy as a means to enable the machinations of the military-industrial complex. Eh? Take that, Establishment!
Taken a 5 lb shit. Zack has. Told us aaalllll about it, he did. Who’s a good boy?
Withheld thousands of dollars in pay from one of my most loyal employees, run a bar without a liquor license, or suspended someone’s health insurance without telling them first.
Fought over the body of a loved one.
Come to town to visit old friends, forgot to call you, then called you the following day to invite you to breakfast and also to ask to borrow money so I have enough gas to get home (do you see a theme here? Since when do I have money?).--Sorry buddy, my phone was off and I lost my ATM card anyway so I couldn’t have helped. And since I find it impossible to be angry with Johnny, please enjoy this video he made in a radiation suit: Johnny's Video
Run a daycare service that rents the babies out to local gypsies for begging purposes. This really happened! How can they be making a profit? Is the cut from a gypsy’s daily alms-gathering really enough to compel you to do something this scumbalicious and then wither away in some dusty Spanish jail? I could really use an economics lesson here.
Peed in my sink. Ok that’s not true—I have. Recently. To be fair, I woke up to discover that I’d locked my bathroom door before I went to bed, even though I live alone. I was late for class and had to go, so I urinated in the basin in the kitchen sink. What?
Well, now that your attentions have been successfully redirected from my shortcomings, I think it would be best for all of us to take a quiet moment and prioritize our apologies. I thank you for your forgiveness.
-Jesse Ackles, Penitent
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