My Life

(No, this has nothing to do with Bill Clinton’s autobiography, though it has turned out to be nearly as long.  Oh, and those actors Zack mentioned in his last post?  Don’t know a one.)

Whenever Jesse calls, we exchange pleasantries and he asks what I’m up to.  I often give him a literal answer instead of a blanket “chillin’” or the like.  If I’m home at the time, the response is naturally quite mundane.  Of course it is.  There aren’t many exciting things one usually does as home, but no matter if my answer is making something to eat, watching Jeopardy!, doing dishes, working, internetting, preparing to take a nap, enjoying a burrito from the taqueria down the street, or if I’d just gotten out of the shower, Jesse reacts as if none of this is boring or normal or, in many cases, even defensible.  Without fail, Jesse finds any detail of my life to be completely absurd.  He consumes my life as side-splitting fodder for his enjoyment and fuel for his feelings of towering superiority.  And that’s great.  He’s in school and often has dinner with his girlfriend, after all.

This past Saturday Jesse came over to have a couple bloody marys and to “be funny”. He was undeterred by my protests; I was watching my beloved Michigan football team and didn’t want to day-drink, and I told him this.  No matter.  He was here, and he made his presence known constantly in no uncertain terms.  During one commercial, to satisfy his cries for attention, I gave him some details about how the little things in my life had changed since my then-girlfriend moved out three months ago.  He predictably howled with (dis)approval at every tidbit of misfortune, and urged me to expand this exercise and put to record a typical day in the life.

This is a rough outline of a typical weekday and is subject to numerous outside factors.  It is not drawn to scale.  I am not including times because many of these noteworthy events overlap one another.  Personal interpretation is encouraged. 

I hope you all enjoy it as much as Jesse will.

• Wake up with Mark Domino curled up next to me.  He’s a cat; not a rapper/gay porn actor…I don’t think.  Get up and make the bed, which is now much easier as much of my bedding is gone.  I sleep under a warm, red blanket that is tucked at the foot of the bed with an afghan type thing on top of it.  The upside of my loss is that no sheet or comforter makes for an easy bed to make, and a delighted friend in Jesse.

• Bathroom time.  I am currently reading Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States.  There’s nothing like better informing myself while feeling sad, angry and defeated to accompany me in my early morning routine.  That book is a devastating record of all man can do to one another in the name of greed and conquest (and America!).  And those emotions carry over on a personal level quite nicely after putting the book down and learning what my body has wrought.  I’ve learned to put those things behind me quickly, lest it carry over and ruin my mood indefinitely.  A shower can help, but is often shelved or skipped altogether, depending on the rest of the day.

• Grab some V8 and a banana, turn on TV and tune in to the CBS for The Price Is Right. Nothing buoys the spirits like watching over-eager dirigibles win prizes they can’t afford the taxes for while pining for the company of a washed up comedian from Cleveland.

• Crack open the laptop.  I check email and gauge how much work I need to get done.  I then put off said work for about an hour while I peruse the nets (New York Times, Deadspin, HuffPost, Bears and Bulls blogs, Michigan football blog, Slate, FiveThirtyEight, MrRooterHardlyKnewHer).
  

• Aggressively tackle whatever work is in front of me.  I work at home and I like to bang out as much as possible in my first session.  This lends some satisfaction and a bit more freedom for the rest of the day.  The “humor” here lies in the fact that my work is highly irregular, so some days there isn’t really a whole lot to do.  Oh, and any freedom gained isn’t used to study talking or stalk bookstore goers; it’s usually used for relaxation or running routine errands.  Isn’t that a fucking gas?!

• Gfight with Zack.  Good spirits or bad, Zack will always chime in.  Usually we’re able to joke about some absurdity we’ve recently witnessed.  But as surely as the Gooch beat Willis, he’ll say something I don’t agree with and an argument will ensue.  It may be mild, even playful; but it can turn into Rip Torn vs. Norman Mailer too.
  

• Make lunch.  The usual suspects are:  scrambled eggs, bean and cheese tacos, a big salad, veggie burger with a Clausen pickle, tuna melt (I recently started putting Bacos on these things – amazing.  Spicy mustard is a must too), any leftovers I might have, or soup with bread or crackers.  Soup has become kinda depressing of late, even though I love Progresso’s lentil.  This is because I’ve been stripped of nearly all pots and pans, so now I have to microwave that shit in Tupperware.  I’d opt for a proper, civilized bowl, but the directions implore me to cover the contents.  I microwave my rice in Tupperware too, which works pretty well, but is undeniably slumdog.  However, I tend to garnish everything with green onions and diced plum tomatoes these days, so I like to think I’m fighting the good fight.

• Back to Work.  Now that I think of it, isn’t that an ‘80s movie starring Rodney Dangerfield, Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez? 
  

• Watch Jeopardy!  I often grab a snack and set the computer aside for Merv Griffin's classic.  I love Jeopardy!, though I’m not very competitive with the really good players.  If a Tournament of Champions player is a 10; a multiple winner a 9; a single-time winner an 8; and a losing contestant a 7, I’m probably a 6.95 – worse than a fucking loser on the show.  Still love it though, Alex’s smarminess, social retardation and all.  Snack favorites include reduced-fat microwave popcorn, baby carrots with hummus, and habas con chile (spicy dried lima beans).  The last two weeks they’ve shown the Teen Tournament, which stinks.  And since that junior-year Amanda Peet look-alike lost in the first round, I’ve been forgoing Jeopardy! to shower, if I put it off, or get something done around the house that needs doing.  So, while mildly creepy, at least I’m practicing personal and apartmential hygiene.  Take the good with the boy, all.
  

• Brush one or more cats.  I have three cats.  Only one of them is mine, but I’m happily looking after two that belong to a friend (no, Jesse…not Gina.  Shut up) who isn’t able to properly care for them.  They’ll usually rouse from their enviably sound sleep in the afternoon looking for companionship.  If it’s warm and dry enough, I like to take them on the balcony for grooming.  They love it and it serves as the only thing I can do to fight my ongoing war with cat hair.

• Personal time.  While Jesse was over on Saturday, he used my computer to find us a Star Trek message board to infiltrate.  I’ve gotten in the habit of keeping two Firefox windows open – one for the respectable business of email, work, and general surfing; the other for porn.  So I open up a fresh, new tab in the non-offending window for him to use; but he immediately clicks over to the dirty one (I didn’t think Jesse even knew what the taskbar was trying to tell him.  Or maybe that’s his usual mode of navigation between sites, having no idea what tabs are).  I’d been enduring his ramblings on Star Trek and whatnot, doing my best to parry his enthusiasm so I could watch my goddamn football game, and now he was squealing with delight upon finding porn on my computer.  The fact that there was a site called Ass4All, and that I had it open, was just too much for him.  Oh my, I don’t need to tell you that I was just flushed with embarrassment!  We don’t all jerk off to D.H. Lawrence, Jesse. Besides, didn’t we stop making fun of each other for masturbating when we were 15?  Anyway…personal time.

• Try to finish up any remaining work, do some gravity bongs, watch the NBC evening news (Brian Williams is the best, and I love me some Chuck Todd), catch some syndicated offerings of The Office and The Simpsons (pre-2000 only), and practice some aggressive relaxation.

• Dinner.  I’ll make something if I have stuff around.  Favorites include stir fry, pasta with homemade tomato sauce, veggie burger with Zattarain’s Black Beans and Rice, and a big salad.  If Jesse gets really lucky and I don’t have anything around or am not in the mood to cook, he’ll call around the time I’m ordering/eating takeout.  There’s nothing that tickles Jesse’s undercarriage more than hearing that I’m eating fried rice, falafel, an eggplant parmesan sandwich, or a burrito if it was prepared in a restaurant and eaten at my apartment.  Really.

• Pick up multiple ladies at the happenenest New Wave/Britpop night in town (read: go to Streetside, the Blind Robin or the Bucktown Pub and usually leave by myself).  I used to frequent any bar or club with irrepressible confidence, great fervor, and a quick wit. This is no longer the case.  Now I go to a handful of bars in a hoodie du jour with friends who are sick of each other.  I play the disinterested and disdainful sop at the end of the bar.  Because, for right now, that’s exactly who I am.

• Hit the proverbial hay.  I often have to stave off pangs of depression and anxiety as I recount the laughable minutiae that makes up my day.  Eventually, I emerge victorious, and mercifully drift off to sleep.
  

None of this has been embellished, as it needs no embellishment.  It is simply the story of a well-adjusted, slightly depressive thirtysomething leading his life in search for some peace of mind.  At any rate, I’m just lucky to have a supportive friend by my side as I sift through the riverbed.

– Neil, jerk  

Comments

[Jesse Ackles]

My face hurts--from laughing, not from falling on it this time.