Due to the holiday I will be dedicating most of my time to binge-eating, holiday shopping and napping (in no particular order and often simultaneously). So, following the lead of Mr. Ackles, I won't be posting anything of my own creation. After all, Jesse said it best this week when he told me, "while I didn't generate what I posted, I stand by it as a unique document worthy of our readership." It's a plausible bit of reasoning that I will now further exploit.
What follows is a piece from Drew Magary of deadspin in which Chad Ocho Cinco recounts to us the true story of Thanksgiving. Jesus, dinosaurs, machine-gun muskets and Plymouth Dusters – how can you go wrong? I hope to one day be able to read this to my children and grandchildren as a holiday tradition. Enjoy. -Z
Ocho: Right. So now, we all know that, when he was a kid, Jesus had to spend most of his time fighting the dinosaurs. Now, the dinosaurs were real savages and shit. They ate airplanes and everything. But there was this one little girl dinosaur Jesus met one day that wasn’t like the other dinosaurs. She was very kind and gentle. And she was sexy as all hell. So Jesus went to the head dinosaur and asked for a truce. He said, “Mr. Head Dinosaur, I cannot tell a lie. I love your little baby dinosaur daughter. I would like to marry her, so that we have little DinoJesus babies one day, and raise them to be cage fighters.”
But the head dinosaur wasn’t hearing that shit. He was very racist against Jesus, and only wanted his daughter to marry other dinosaurs. So Jesus said, “All right, BITCH. You wanna play it like that? You gon PAY!” So then he went over to England and hooked up with the Pilgrims, who had these machine-gun musket type things. Then, they deaded ALL THEM FUCKING DINOS. Even the flying ones. POW! They just shot that shit right out of the air.
Now, when the Indians heard about this, they got really fucking pissed, because they liked painting dinosaurs on their teepees and shit. So they sent out this giant smoke signal from America that said HEY YOU WHITE PEOPLE! COME GET A TASTE OF SQUANTO, BITCHES! Then they did that thing where they cover their mouths and go BA BA BA BA BA BA BA!!! Well, Jesus didn’t like that too much. So he hopped on the pilgrims’ boat and sailed on over with his little dinosaur baby momma.
But they didn’t know where to land, right? They needed to land somewhere where the little Indians couldn’t wrestle them. But then, out in the middle of the ocean, this big turkey flew onto the front of their ship. And he said, “Follow me.” Then he flew ahead.
So Jesus and the pilgrims followed the turkey all the way to a Plymouth dealership. This was a long time ago, so they did have brokeass Plymouth Dusters back then. So Jesus thanked the turkey for leading them to the car dealer. But then he thought to himself, “Hey, you know turkey is a pretty good lunch meat. But I bet it would make a good dinner meat, too.”
So Jesus asked the Indians to help him catch the turkey. Only they had a Butterball already cooked and ready to go. So then they just all ate. Then Jesus deaded ALL THEM INDIANS. Then he banged that hot little stegosaurus. Then they drove off.
And that's the true story of the first Thanksgiving. Legend has it, if you take a boat out into the ocean, there are still turkeys out there, ready to guide you.
Always warms my heart. A safe and happy Thanksgiving to you, all 23-36 of our listeners/reader, from all of us at HBD.
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