Here Be Dragons Podcast

Episode 2.1: An Onion of Dicks

We own up to the failures of our friends. We explore the nuances of post-urban vernacular. We rewrite ourselves in our own images. We recruit a ringer. Really, we promise, this time it’s good.

Download Episode 2.1: An Onion of Dicks

Featuring music from:

American Draft
Bible of the Devil
Coltrane Motion
Francine

Episode cover art courtesy of the lovely Denise Dietz.

This episode was composed using sound effects from the good folks at the freesound project.

-HBD

WE'RE BACK, BITCHES!!!

Dearests,

We know it’s been a long time. We know we’ve made a lot of promises about improving the quality of this show we’ve been bullying you with over the last year or so.

Well, the time for promises is past.

Behold: Here Be Dragons: Season 2, featuring scripted material, input from you, and, best of all: sound effects!

We would also like you to welcome the presence of our new announcer, Sean Shipley. No more indeterminate English colonial accents, less drunken palaver (though still enough to keep the ship moving), and roughly the same amount of music as before.

So welcome to a new epoch in internet radio shows. We look forward to your forthcoming praises—almost as much as we look forward to your forthcoming abuses.

Sentimentally,

Neil, Jesse, Zack

New Voicemail Number

So, yeah.  We know.  We suck.

Our previous voicemail number was hosted by the inept stoner-jerks at drop.io.  Apparently, they were too busy playing World of Warcraft and voicing their dismay with the changes made to the Watchmen film on various message boards to inform us that our drop was going to expire and that, if we did not renew our account, all files would be deleted.  Therefore, any messages left in the last month are just gone, disappearing into the internet graveyard.

We at Here Be Dragons didn't take too kindly to this "policy" and have decided to go with a new service provider.  Please make all future calls using our brand new toll free number!  Call us anytime for any reason.  Messages can be up to 3 minutes in length.

1-888-608-8170

See?  Simple.  No ridiculously long number.  No extension.  Toll free.  We're here for you.  Looking out for you.  Like a housewife looks out for her 4-year-old son by purchasing him a Sega Game Gear to play while she watches her stories.

Alas, we would like to implore anyone who has recently left a message within the last month to please call again and leave a new one.  An inconvenience, we know, but we love you all and have a strong desire to masturbate to each and every one of your sexy voices.

What?

Regrettably,

Jesse, Neil and Zack

Taking it to the people

A message to the Here Be Dragons Nation:

Thank you for supporting the non-legendary internet radio show Here Be Dragons.  We can only hope that you've actually taken time to listen to it as well.  If not, here is your best chance:

We have decided to reboot the podcast; in order to do this, we want to condense the best bits from the first 8 episodes (we'll call them a "season") into 1 show and archive the rest.

Always prudent, we have decided to place our one giant egg in the populist basket and ask YOU to let us know which segments from these episodes you think we should use.  If there's something that strikes you as particularly funny or informative, you're probably listening to one of the other D&D or jam-band based podcasts with a similar title.  But in the event that you've got the right show on your iTunes, we're asking you to vote on your favorite bits so we can assemble a 1980s sitcom-inspired clip show which will create the illusion that we are actually good at this.

Once you've done this, please email us at hbdpodcast@gmail.com  or leave a comment below and tell us which parts of which episodes you think should be preserved.  Feel free to trash the rest as well—we do it all the time.

Those of you who put the most time and thought into this will be rewarded with a story by us about your person, to be aired during Season 2 of the show, if you so desire.  Now that's a stimulus check you can cash.

That said, we also would like to announce the forthcoming debut of our newly conceptualized Here Be Dragons 2.0, a "metacast" in which we discuss, intimately, the process of creating an internet radio program.  Enjoy the introduction of new characters, more listener participation, and even some scripted material.  We actually put some effort into this one.

Also, we would love for you to leave a voicemail on our drop site so we can feature your comments, stories, last wishes or ethereal musings on the show.  It's not about us, it's about you (and us).

The number:  1-888-608-8170 (your message may be as long or short as you like).

The first 8 episodes can be found below or on iTunes in the podcast section.

So in the next few weeks look for an announcement heralding the upload of Here Be Dragons, Episode 0, and in the meantime try to enjoy the old ones.

Love and Lincolns,

Jesse, Neil and Zack

Episode 8: I Call Him Stinky

We mark an historic event by color coordinating our shots. We explore the hazardous effects of Irish car bombs on your poo. We witness an epic confrontation between Kid Rock and The Unibomber. The perfumed gauntlet has been thrown down.

Download Episode 8: I Call Him Stinky

Episode 7: The Crack Tooth

We imagine an erectile dysfunction commercial for Joe Sixpack. We set a goal to be hated by someone in each of the 50 states. We get a lesson from a missing comrade on voice mail polarity. This is our city and we will not hesitate to call the cops on you.

Download Episode 7: The Crack Tooth

Episode 6: Hittin' The Books

We get basic German lessons from a white supremacist.  We're held at gunpoint by the least-threatening of firearms.  We suffer a massive headwound while drunkenly traversing the elevated train system.  We're physically fit and someone's down to be fuckin' this.

Download Episode 6: Hittin' The Books

Episode 5: Psychodrama!

We take a vacation in a psych ward.  We question the usefulness of bubblecars.  We become completely fed up with 'lympics commercials.  Morgan Freeman does not narrate this podcast.

Download Episode 5: Psychodrama!

Episode 4: Establishing Dominance

We lament the end of the kickball season.  We discuss the hazardous effects of 14-hour Monopoly games.  We plot to supplant the mayor with a cage fighter.  Six-foot chicken, we knew you'd come for us eventually.

Download Episode 4: Establishing Dominance

KC Haywood Memorial Show @ Quenchers

Here is the deal for the upcoming KC Memorial Show at Quenchers....

Wednesday, August 6 at 8pm
Quenchers Saloon
2401 N. Western Ave (at Fullerton)
Chicago, IL

$10 cover...Everyone pays. All proceeds go to K.C. 's Family. There are four bands officially on the bill and one secret guest to close the show.

Here are the set times and band listings...
8:30 - Ghostrunner Assembly
9:30 - The Streeters
10:30 - The Living Blue
11:30 - Sybris
12:30 - Secret Guest Band

Two local artists have designed posters for the show. These will both be for sale and the proceeds will likewise go to K.C.'s family. The poster designed by Gina Black is being printed by Screwball Press and is a four color silk screen. This may be sold for $10's...but have to see what final printing cost total. The poster designed by local Tattoo artist Kevin Starai--due to the great number of colors--will be laser printed onto glossy poster paper. This will be sold for $5. Both posters can be viewed by clicking on the images below.





So, come on out and celebrate the life of a great man. We love you, KC!

-HBD

Episode 3: For The Better Good

We use our political stature to pursue paranormal investigations. We repeatedly punch ourselves in the face. We ridicule a karaoke cult and its heathen followers. KC would've wanted it this way.

Featuring music from these Chicago artists:
KC Haywood
Tongues
The Streeters (formerly Christopher Andrew Stelloh)
Bible of the Devil

Download Episode 3: For The Better Good

Inactively Productive

In lieu of recent events, we've taken some needed down-time from bringing the nonsense that all you 23-36 subscribers (depending on the day) have learned to so passably anticipate. We vow to be back even more incompetent than ever with more celebrity* appearances and rumblings of a slightly altered lineup. Just think of us as the 90210 of podcasts – an ever-changing lineup of people not acting their age.

Look for Episode 3: For The Better Good to go online sometime in the next few days.

-HBD

*by "celebrity" we mean "friend", unless you count Jill Hopkins who is the grandest of celebrities and in no way our friend

KC Haywood: Fixin' To Get Fixed

As some of you may know, our good friend KC Haywood was involved in a fall late Saturday night, June 14th resulting in two broken ankles and a skull fracture. He is being treated at Northwestern Memorial hospital in Chicago in the Neurology ICU and is in critical condition. Although he is still unconscious, the doctors are optimistic and he has a number of family and friends giving him as much support as one could possibly imagine.

This is a special session we held on Monday in KC's honor, in a feeble attempt to capture the humor and brilliance of our friend as he recovers. Those of you who aren't fortunate enough to know the man are strongly encouraged to listen anyway. Featuring music from the bluegrass album KC just recorded.

Download KC Haywood: Fixin' To Get Fixed

A Conversation About KC

We are planning to post our new podcast about our friendship with KC on Wednesday night, June 25.  He will not approve of this.  Not because he's going to be uncomfortable with the attention -- on the contrary -- but because he finds the medium to be silly and self-indulgent.  Once again, KC impresses and humbles us with how spot-on he is.

Episode 2: Pringles IS Dead

We speak in poorly rendered accents.  We have our faces rebuilt to represent the East-West divide.  We use our impending doom to get laid and ruin others.  Tim Russert, "Daily Dalliances" won't be the same without you.

Featuring music from these Chicago artists:
Bible of the Devil
Tongues
The Streeters (formerly Christopher Andrew Stelloh)

Download Episode 2: Pringles IS Dead

Please help KC and Sarah!

Our good friend KC Haywood is currently in stable condition, but unconscious, following a fall Saturday night.  KC is a wonderful guy and we were all shocked to hear of it.  He and his darling Sarah are dear to our hearts and we wish them both the best.  If you would like to see a picture of KC at his finest, and possibly donate to his recovery fund, please visit www.kchaywood.com.

Understandably, this has slowed the process of bringing Episode 2 to all 28 of our beloved subscribers. It should be mentioned that all of it was recorded before the accident; it is doubtful that any of us would have been able to bring the nonsense in the days following this news.

UPDATE: A blog has been setup by KC's stepfather Tucker that will serve to update everyone on his status. It can be found at www.kchaywood.blogspot.com.

-HBD

Episode 1 Fallout

Thanks to all who've responded, favorably or otherwise, to our first episode.  We will enthusiastically continue to feign interest in your suggestions.

Episode 1: Crackle Me Not

In our inaugural podcast we discuss the virtues of soiling one's self, the shame of living in Rockford, kickball, and Sean Shipley.

Featuring music by these Chicago artists:
Low Down Brass Band
Bible of the Devil
Christopher (Andrew) Stelloh

Download hbd_ep1_0604.m4a

Fables Without Morals

Here Be Dragons is an answer. A podcast. A conversation. Here Be Dragons is a collection of statements, spoken aloud, by three or more people, organized into episodes. Sometimes we tell stories. Other times we make observations. We employ nouns and verbs in order to construct our sentences. We are unique. Correct. Powerful.

You can contact us at hbdpodcast@gmail.com or leave a voice message to be used as we see fit in a future episode by calling 646-495-9204 ext.91926.

Enjoy.

-HBD